Season 2, episode 9: in search of home // Thursday, November 19, 2020

This is Shelter in Place, a podcast about coming together in a world that pulls us apart. From Oakland, California to Hamilton, Massachusetts, I’m Laura Joyce Davis.

Hi friends, before I get started today, I want to share with you a podcast I’ve been enjoying lately, that I think you’ll like, too. It’s called Plucking Up by Liz Bohannon. In each episode Liz talks with celebrated authors, entrepreneurs, artists, and leaders about their failures, mistakes, and wrong turns--and how they moved past them to build lives of purpose, passion, and impact. And let me just add a personal note, that over the years I’ve listened to a lot of interviews with Elizabeth Gilbert, and Liz’s conversation with her on Plucking Up is my hands down favorite. Subscribe to Plucking Up on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts!

Muoki: We're trying to fix some serious fears here in our lives. And that's what mainly colors and informs our decisions and perspectives on race, is some kind of fear of something. I try and get people to see the fear and see how everybody's afraid. 

Laura: Way back in June, I had a conversation with a stranger. It’s a conversation I’ve thought about a lot during this pandemic, partly because it was unusual, but also because it helped me to not get stuck in my fear. 

It was a little over a week after George Floyd was killed in the city I grew up in--a city that in many ways still feels like home. Our country was roiling with anger and grief and fear. I was, too. 

It was a turning point for Shelter in Place, a moment when we realized that this show wasn’t just about finding daily sanity, but about learning to come together in community even when there are seemingly endless reasons for division. I knew I didn’t have the wisdom or perspective to do that alone, so I reached out to some people who could guide me. 

One of those people was Muoki Musau. Muoki is a realtor by day, but he’s also a theologian. He went to seminary with my husband’s sister Hilary. Hilary suggested I reach out to Muoki, and he agreed to this very weird thing I was proposing: in our first conversation ever, we’d talk about racism. I’d ask the questions I’d been too afraid to voice, and he’d get the floor to say whatever he wanted. 

I was nervous going into that conversation, but I didn’t need to be. Muoki was incredibly gracious. You can hear our conversation in season 1, episode 67: Circling Back. 

A couple of months ago when Muoki suggested that we talk again, I immediately agreed. And even though it was only our second conversation, talking to Muoki felt like reconnecting with an old friend. 

Laura: I feel like you’re my super close friend even though his is our second conversation, which is like strange, but also kind of awesome.

Muoki: I wonder if part of that might be because of our point of connection through Hilary. She trusts me, you trust me, and I trust you, and you trust her and all that. I think intellectual empathy was kind of built in before we met. You don't make very many friends after you turn 30 to be honest. So this is really, really special.

Laura: If you’re just joining us, you’re welcome to listen to the episodes in this pandemic Odyssey out of order, but after you listen, I suggest going back to the beginning of season 2 to hear the full story of how my family ended up getting way more adventure than we’d bargained for and--at least for now--settling on the opposite side of the country, in the same time zone as Muoki. 

Muoki lives in Leesburg, Virginia, and he’s been busy during this pandemic. Interest rates are low and the demand for homes is high, which means the prices have gotten high, too. 

Muoki: It's become a lot more competitive. It's ironic. There's a pandemic. Things are shutting down, slowing down, and real estate actually accelerated once the shutdown happened. It's been the inverse of everything else that's been going on. 

Laura: Leesburg is about an hour away from Washington, D.C. Muoki says that with so many people working from home, a lot of people from the city have relocated.

Muoki: There are people that love the city. People love being close to everything, almost like a blanket of activity and things to do, and public transportation. People love that. And some people don't, but they are in the city because of necessity. And when the chance comes that they can be outside or live somewhere else where they can get fresh air, people from cities are considering coming out here. It's slower pace, like being at a country house while being right near your job. I'm not trying to say it's an Exodus or something like that. 

They want a home that feels good to be in, because everywhere else is miserable. You go outside, you’ve got to wear a mask. You can't hold hands. You can't shake hands. You can't be close to people. Everywhere outside your home there's distance and there's coldness. You don't even see full faces. I got my flu shot, had a conversation with a guy. I don't even know what he looks like. Outside the house, people aren't even, like, full faces. It's just half faces. All you’re seeing is eyes and like half of a nose. I want to feel that this is a place where we can actually see our full faces, you know, we can be our full selves. People are looking for a place that they won't feel miserable being in for a long period of time.

Laura: When we bought our starter home in Oakland twelve years ago, we couldn’t imagine life with kids. We figured we’d move someplace else by then. But even when we were assembling IKEA bunk beds and cramming three kids into a single room, we still weren’t making plans to move. 

But when first the pandemic and then wildfire smoke forced us indoors, what we needed in a home changed. Home became school, office, church, gym, movie theater, restaurant, library, and a place where quiet and solitude were a distant dream. 

If you’ve been listening, then you know that ultimately we decided to leave our home--at least for now--in search of a temporary home that could give us the support and space to survive this pandemic. 

Muoki: The question of what makes a great home . . . I think it has to have something flourishing inside. I think about nature. You’ve got a forest, and there's animals and plants. I'm not a forest expert--I'm a realtor and a theologian. And so what I think about a forest is you've got things that grow. You've got things that die. You've got seasons where there's a harvest, and seasons where there's planting. There's friction and tension, but then also thriving and abundance. And all that stuff happens all the time. I think a great home is a place where you can have all of that. 

Laura: When we left Oakland, it felt like we’re uprooting ourselves, exposing the roots of the life we used to have. It was painful. You could say that our stint in Massachusetts is a bit like taking a potted plant indoors for the winter. There’s no question that the move was what we needed. In our old life, there was plenty of friction and tension, but not a lot of thriving and abundance. Our little plant was looking pretty sickly by the time we left Oakland. 

But I think what’s interesting about Muoki’s metaphor is that home isn’t just one plant. It’s a forest. One of the things that made our home in Oakland so special was that we lived in a neighborhood where people were friends, where we took care of each other’s kids. There was a lot of generosity there, enough goodness to go around. The pandemic forced us to get creative about what that looked like, but it didn’t go away completely.

Muoki: Even out here, people need to be with other people. On the one hand, I mean, people were like, “Oh my gosh, I can finally get out of DC.” But then if you're home all the time, you get sick and tired of that. So even here, people are going out and doing more. It's created a new way of being in community together as residents of the city. Necessity is the mother of all invention. And we needed to be with each other. Leesburg is doing what it can to make people feel like, you know, we are trying to get through this as a community. They're realizing just how resilient community can be, and that's one of the cool things I've seen.

Laura: For now, our plant is hanging out in Hamilton, Massachusetts, the town where my husband grew up. Our community mostly consists of his parents and siblings. With the daily support of family, our plant is slowly beginning to revive. 

But even for my husband, who grew up here, it doesn’t feel like home. The plants are all different. The climate is a shock to our system. We don’t yet know our way around the forest. It’s something Muoki has experienced, too. 

Muoki: I grew up in Kenya. I was there until 2001, when my parents, my brothers, and I moved here. My dad worked for a government accounting contracting firm in healthcare financing. He was always going back and forth between here and Kenya, and then also from Kenya to other countries. and he was spending a lot of time here, so we came here.

I was in seventh grade. I feel like if you do middle school in America, that's like your initiation. And I hated it. I didn't realize I hated it until I became an adult and I started going to therapy. My brothers and I played soccer growing up, and that really helped us a lot. It helped us get friends, you know, helped with all the culture shock and all that mess that comes with it. And I went to community college and then I went to George Mason. I made some great friends here. All I knew of America for 18 years was Virginia. 

My family and I went back to Kenya when I was 14, and then I personally went back when I was 20 for my cousin's funeral. And it's so hard. I fell into the American busyness. I don’t know if it's a trap or a dream. Time slipped away from me and I wasn't able to find a way to get back. 

But also I just didn't have a strong connection to my extended family. I only spoke English, you know, I didn't speak Swahili, I didn't speak Kikuyu, I didn't speak Kikamba. And so it was hard. I remember when I went to my cousin's funeral, it was all in Swahili and Kikamba and everybody gets a part. I gave the eulogy on behalf of all his cousins, and I gave it all in English. And 90% of the people there didn't speak English. So there's a huge cultural disconnection between me and them that was just very difficult to overcome. I ended up spending the formative years of my childhood not there, with no real ways to keep that connection going. Back then we had calling cards and we didn't even have, like, video anything. It was expensive to stay connected. 

Leesburg is where I've felt the biggest connection just because I've spent a lot of formative time.

What I do have for Kenya is I have the sense that I’ve got to take care of family somehow, because that's what you do. My dad gave a lot of money and support to his dad, his brothers, I think his sister, too. My mom gave a lot as well. There's a strong sense that you’ve got to give back to where you came from. You’ve got to make a contribution somehow. It's a sense of duty--you know, filial piety, if you want to call it that. Family's got to take care of family. There isn't a sense of home, but there's still that strong sense of family, duty and responsibility that I feel for them.

Laura: We feel that, too. We wouldn’t be here in Massachusetts without it. And it’s a gift, this time with extended family after so many years away. But it doesn’t bring us any closer to finding our way home. 

This week I read a story in the Wall Street Journal written by a business owner who left California because it was no longer profitable; the state’s policies and taxes and wildfires and high cost of living had made it feel impossible to thrive there. The net migration out of California is a big topic these days. I know all of those things. I knew them when we lived there. But still, it’s home. 

Muoki: Sometimes you just like your home and you can't describe it, but you just know that you like being there. And that's how I feel about here. I loved growing up here. I would love to stay here for a long time. I know the places I like playing golf here. I know the breweries, the cigar shops. We appreciate the same things, the same opportunities that we have here. And we all hate the same things, which is basically traffic--and the tolls. The tolls just keep getting more expensive. We all hate them. And we get through it together.  

Laura: I wasn’t born in Oakland, but I loved living there. If I can figure out a way to do it sustainably, I would love to stay there for a long time. I know my favorite running trails and bike rides with a mile of smoothly paved downhill I can cruise down without braking. I know my favorite taco truck, coffee shop, dive bar, and restaurant for special occasions. Life is too expensive and the taxes are high and there’s never enough money for our public schools--but we get through it together. To use Muoki’s metaphor, all of those trees make for a beautiful forest.

Muoki’s parents brought him to this country, but he made the choice to stay and put down roots. When he was twenty-six, he become a U.S. citizen, a process which he said was far from simple.

Muoki: “Pending status.” That term still makes me--like, I just don't like it. I remember going to get my driver's license. Each time it was the biggest hassle, because it always happened when my dad's visa status was pending. We always had to renew our visa and it takes forever. It was so painstaking, so annoying, so expensive. And I remember going to the DMV and they're like, “we can't accept your visa because it's pending.” They just tell you to come back later. I got my green card when I was 20 and that's what helped me fly out of the U S without any problems. The naturalization process I started on my own, and that was the easiest one to be honest, because at that point, it's just, do you have the money? That's literally it. Actually throughout the entire journey, like renewing your visa, getting a new visa, getting all that is so expensive.

I started paying for it myself when I was going from green card to naturalization. And then, you know, I go to the courthouse. People were crying and cheering, all sorts of stuff. The idea that a whole room of people denounce all other allegiances and devote your life to the values and to defend America and all these kinds of things, they're actually initiating you into this American life. That was powerful. That's one of the few initiation experiences I've had in my life. One was converting to Christianity. The other one was becoming an American. Right? And you feel it, you honestly feel it, because a part of your identity is actually changing. And to this day, that's still one of the most powerful experiences that I have. And for me it's very complicated, because unlike Black people who were born here, grew up here, have ancestry here, where you're in a way born American, but you don't feel American, or you feel like second class citizens, and there's no ceremony for Black people where they say, “okay, you're no longer a second-class citizen. You're a first-class citizen.” That, I think, would be an equivalent to what I went through.  

I mean, let's think about this. Let's think about it from a religious point of view. I'll use Malcolm X. Malcolm X at one point was not a Muslim. He went to prison, discovered Islam, and became a follower of Allah and the honorable prophet Muhammad. There was a period in his life prior to, and a period of his life after. For me as an American, there's a period of life when I was legitimately not American. And now I am. I did not have these freedoms at all, in the sense that there was no protection from the law for me. And then there was a period where that now became available to me. 

The idea of becoming American was a very spiritual experience, because I personally chose to do that. And that was a very powerful and positive experience for me. And I’m not saying, like, my experience is the same as everybody who's been through that. I'm talking about myself. The fact that I have a moment when I was not American and I became one makes me feel a sense of connection with all the people that call themselves American.

Laura: When Muoki and I talked the first time, we mostly talked about racism in America. Six months and one presidential election later, I wanted to know if his perspective had shifted. I didn’t just want to ask Muoki this because he’s Black. I wanted to ask him because as a realtor, he spends time with all kinds of people. 

Muoki: Growing up, I saw people that went through some tough times and didn't have anybody there for them. I've been through some tough times, and the people that were there for me, they were people who were--even with the race thing--politically totally different from me, but they were there.

I helped a couple buy a home. And on closing day, homeboy comes in with cowboy boots and a Confederate belt buckle. We had just been through this experience where I asked them, “do you need help?” And he said yes. And they tell me about the home situation that's terrible. They live in a place that's drug infested. It's not safe for them. The maintenance is poor. And they just felt like their lives were in the trash can. They asked me to help them. And when we started working together, we were all on the same team. We would talk about if they feel like they're making progress, we would talk about how I can help them better. And so on closing day, it wasn't homeboy with the belt buckle. It was, we all accomplished something together. 

For me, my struggle is I see the bigger picture and sometimes lose sight of some of these particulars that are completely divisive. And I'm gracious. I try and graciously give people second chances--and also know when to cut them off, because that's how you do with family. Now I'm not saying I cut my family off entirely, but I  draw boundaries where it's like, “yo, I'm still here for you, but we can't hang.” But when I make the criticism, I still know that they're family. So I'm not gonna tell them “you're dead and gone, you're doomed forever.”

And I think America is just this country that's like a really bad family that kills each other. Bad families sometimes just have people that are mean to each other, but you don't go out killing each other all the time and tell him, like, you're not family, you're not this or whatever.

I always try and get people to see we're trying to fix some serious fears here in our lives, and that's what mainly colors and informs our decisions and perspectives on race, is some kind of fear of something. And I try and get people to see the fear and see how everybody's afraid. 

And the problem is that once we realize we're afraid, we realize that we're carrying a lot of pain  that we don't want to resolve because the pain is now part of our identity, and to remove the pain means to remove the identity. So we entrench ourselves even further.

Laura: Throughout these episodes, I’ve been drawing inspiration from Homer’s Odyssey. It’s the story of a meandering journey home, with lots of action and adventure and disappointment along the way, kind of like the journey we’re on now. In the original Odyssey, when he finally gets back to Ithaca, the home Odysseus returns to is one he hardly recognizes. There are people in his house that he never invited in. And he’s furious.

When I hear people talk about making America great again, or about restoring the soul of America. Whichever direction we’re coming from, I wonder if we’re all just feeling a bit like Odysseus, like we thought we knew what home was--and now that’s all changing. We’re outraged. We feel the need to do something drastic, to restore what we thought we had. 

But this is where the metaphor breaks down. Because the people in Odysseus’s house were unruly suitors. And yes, I know that sometimes our country can look that way, but for the most part, the people in our home aren’t here because they want to cause trouble. They’re people like Muoki, who came here for a better life, who because of the way America welcomed and shaped them, feel more at home here than the places they came from. They aren’t just staying in this house; they’re doing home improvements.

The Odyssey ends with a scene that feels like the worst possible outcome for our country. Odysseus kills all of the suitors, and then their families plot revenge. There’s a lot of death and destruction in the Odyssey, so maybe killing people had just become normal for Odysseus by the time he got home, but I really hope that we can find a better solution to our problems than Odysseus did. It’s only thanks to the goddess Athena that the whole thing doesn’t end in civil war. I know we’re talking Greek mythology, but still, you have to wonder if there could have been a better ending.

Muoki: After George Floyd, I was taking my cues from Zynga Harrison, a psychologist that I heard, and what I have learned is that racism is like this drug that is killing us, but we're addicted to it. We know it’s not good. It's a problem. Even addicts at some point don't even want to do the drugs. They just don't know what else to do. I mean, let's talk about America as a person. It's destroying us internally in terms of body. And then it's destroying our relationship with other people, other countries or whatever. But we just keep doing it. We just keep using it. We got to have it, even though it’s killing us. 

This analogy is going to be drawn way past its limits, but drugs destroy the body in some ways that are incurable. But when you can save the body, it at least gives us the chance to live with the wounds and learn from them. I think it’s possible. How does it happen? We’ve got to know that we all belong here. We all deserve the same things. 

We need something to bind us together other than America. We have to be able to unite and remain connected by stronger values than the ones that are disconnecting us. We just got to read more books, listen to more old folks, listen to more dead folks. We need a bigger sense of purpose and identity and meaning that is just beyond a particular group. Something that could bind us together.

I'm talking about values, not freedoms. Freedoms are related to the state and the government. The thing is that I have freedoms all day long. But it's the values that I have that determine how I treat my wife. And so we can find values that we connect with. Those will help put our freedoms in proper perspective.

Responsibility is one of my values. I’ve got people that are different political affiliation than me, different religious whatever than me. The way I talk to them or relate to them is no different than the way I relate to people who have the same opinions and thoughts as me. And my closest friends right now are the people that have a sense of responsibility for the lives of those around them. We get together and help one another take care of ourselves and take care of the people that we love. 

Is there an identity of America that goes beyond the government and the state? I think of South Africa, this idea of reconciliation and forgiveness, where these very defining values that were beyond the state that characterized what the state wanted to be. Values have a greater potential for redemption.

Laura: We’re a week out from Thanksgiving. Many of us are having to face hard realities this year, of not traveling to see family, or traveling to see family but worrying about the conversations we’ll have on the other side. Some of us are facing the holiday alone. Kind of like the rest of 2020, nothing about this is ideal. 

And also, our country’s history with Thanksgiving is a bit complicated. It’s an area of our history in desperate need of reconciliation and forgiveness. You can listen to season one episodes 72 and 89 to learn more about that.

But I wonder if this year we could take Muoki up on what he’s suggesting, to find something bigger than America to unite us. Maybe we could even look beyond our party lines long enough to see the good things our differences bring to this country. Maybe we could reasons to be grateful.

There’s a goofy little tradition we started with our kids at some point in the pandemic. We put our hands together, count to three, and yell in unison, “Go Team Davis!” It’s super cheesy, and at some point in the not-too-distant future our kids will be too cool for it, but right now they love it. Even if moments before they were fighting or we were all cranky with each other, the mood changes immediately once Go Team Davis is on the table. 

I think maybe what’s going on is what Muoki is talking about. Go Team Davis reminds us of a shared value we all have, and that ultimately whatever happens, we’re there for each other. It helps us to appreciate each other, to be more charitable in the way we interact. I know it’s not a simple ask of our country, to come up with a way to put our hands together and put aside our differences and debates. But Muoki’s suggestion gives us a tangible way to start. 

I’ve been ending each episode with an invitation, and so today I asked Muoki to invite us into the kind of home he still hopes we can find. 

Muoki: What I would invite people to do is get on a Google calendar or whichever calendar you use, and have a span of 90 days and ask what is one thing that I'm afraid to do? Or one person that I'm afraid to talk to about X, Y, and Z? Or ask them this kind of question? Or pursue this knowledge because I'm afraid of what I'm going to find out? Or that I'm going to be proven wrong? 

Have a plan for discovering someone or something that you are a bit apprehensive about discovering. Then have a reflection period. Have some people around you that you can talk with. 

For me, I mean, I'm gonna be honest. I hang out with some people that are very, very right side. But they still like me. You know, we still hang out on a regular basis, and they appreciate me and I appreciate them. And there's no end to this. It's just a process. You’ve just got to keep doing it over and over and over again until charity becomes a part of your life.

Laura: Pretty early on, we realized that Shelter in Place wasn’t just about the pandemic. It was about a community that feels like home--not the kind of home Odysseus had, where the host chases after guests with a bow and arrow--but the sort of place where you’re greeted with a hug or a celebratory drink. No matter how you’re dressed or whether or not you come bearing a gift or empty handed, you’re welcome. You’re treated the way Muoki treated me, like an old friend. 

That’s the feeling we want you to have when you listen to Shelter in Place, and it’s the vision we have for our country, no matter how crazy or idealistic that vision might seem. We know it’s possible, because in conversation after conversation, we’ve seen it happen.

As always, you can hear Shelter in Place outtakes if you listen all the way to the end of the episode, but first I want to welcome our very first Shelter in Place apprentice, Fatima Romero-Afi. Fatima won our hearts when she said that she loves keeping things organized and checking off lists; for these big-picture thinkers, that is music to our ears. We’re so thrilled to have you on our team.

Outtake: Go Team Davis